Graveyard of Useless Anniversaries

Last Friday, June 7, would have been my 16th wedding anniversary. I was married to Charles Ballard in the Seattle Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on that day in 1997. For the first time since that day, I happened to end up back in Seattle on the very day of my anniversary, in town for my brother’s Masters degree graduation festivities. I couldn’t be happier to be here for Tom’s big day, and it made me glad to have another happy reason in our family to remember June 7th, since my reason is now…complicated.

What do you do with a wedding anniversary once you’re no longer together? It seems silly to celebrate. It seems selfish to be sullen. It also seems strange to ignore it.

I have an odd tendency to remember marginally significant dates in my life. I don’t know why, because that’s one of the reasons I always did poorly in history class: my inability to remember key historical events and their associated timelines. Somehow, though, if I can make it connect to my life, I can remember. Like, the Civil War began on April 12, 1861—a date I know because it’s my birthday! I have managed to remember the exact dates for things such as my first ever date with a boy in 1989, my senior prom in 1991, my first day working at University Savings Bank in 1992, my endowment date in the Seattle Temple in 1993, my reporting date to the Missionary Training Center in 1994, my engagement date to Charles in 1997, my first day working at AFTRA-SAG Federal Credit Union in 1998, the day I purchased my first brand new car in 2005 (that one just came up at dinner last night), etc. They all reside in my graveyard of useless anniversaries.

I doubt that my marriage date to Charles will ever remove itself from that list. But, like the other days, it’s not one that I need to throw a party for. I like to remember some dates because they help me see and understand my progress in life. They also sometimes help me explain how I ended up in the mess I’m in at the moment!!!

Friday I decided the best way to commemorate what would have been my 16th wedding anniversary and what was my first June 7th without the man who made it significant for me in the first place, was to create a playlist. I took a little musical walk down memory lane and remembered key songs that figured into our friendship, dating, engagement, wedding, and life together. They aren’t necessarily my favorites or Charles’ favorites, but they are songs that will always belong to Charles. They might make me cry a little, or smile a little, or scream a little as I remember the events, conversations, and emotions associated with the songs. And that’s…O.K. What I won’t try to do is explain their significance because no one would get it and some things are just too personal for words.

If you want to take a listen, the whole playlist is public on Spotify:

I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash

The Boxer – Simon & Garfunkel

I Love You Always Forever – Donna Lewis

For Baby (For Bobby) – John Denver

Wild Montana Skies – John Denver with Emmylou Harris

I Love Rock ‘N Roll – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

A Bushel and a Peck – Guys & Dolls soundtrack

Have a Little Faith In Me – John Hiatt

Dreams – The Cranberries

Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) – Duran Duran

Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel

Love Song – The Ocean Blue

Love Is A Stranger – The Eurythmics

All The Small Things – Blink-182

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Starlight – MUSE

Read My Mind – The Killers

Resistance – MUSE

Gasoline – The Airborne Toxic Event

Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

But rather than just listen to my list that probably means nothing to you, I invite you to do the same about parts of your life that are confusing. Figure out what music might do for your emotional quandaries. Take a musical journey of your own relationships: family, friends, romantic, professional.

As I move further away from this relationship that occupied the past 17 years of my life, I am struggling to sort out what it means to me. It’s easy to identify all the things that bugged me—every relationship has those. And it’s easy to dwell on them and make myself feel bad. What this playlist does is remind me of all the good parts of that relationship, and makes me feel good about myself for being consistent and working hard and learning and growing together with someone for 15 ½ years. And that’s a good eulogy for another date interred in my graveyard of useless anniversaries.