Lest you think I'm so vain and start singing Carly Simon's timeless breakup lyrics
at me (tangent: timeless? really, Heidi? that song is as old as you), allow me to
explain the name of my latest blog.
Today I felt sucky about myself. I mean, really girl-you-don’t-got-your-sh*t-together
sucky. I woke up feeling okay. Then I drove to work and in the process a flood
of emotions piled up on me. I started to realize just how stupid I’ve been
acting lately: not taking care of basic necessities like sleeping and
paying bills, not following through with people I care about, avoiding
important tasks because I don’t want to deal with the emotions of them, eating
a bag of chocolate for breakfast. Yup. Stupid. That went downhill fast and
before I knew it I was the poster child for
doncha-wish-you-bought-our-waterproof-mascara? I hate crying at the office because
my desk is a million miles from the ladies room and everybody & their
mother walk past me on their way into the building in the morning. Somehow I
managed to exit early, claiming emotional distress (and I probably had that
crazed look in my eye that said, “Don’t mess with this girl. Not today.”)
At the advice of a few friends and with a little nudge of
the Holy Spirit in my heart, I decided to spend the afternoon “being still” to
see what God might have to teach me. Convenient, since my new sofa was
delivered today. :P
As I plopped down on the new sofa to test its
kick-back-and-read capabilities, I felt prompted to pull out some old journals.
My mind settled in on a period of my past when I was (at least in my memory)
very stable, very focused, and very in tune with my God. So I dove into 1993,
the realm of the 20-year-old Heidi.
And here’s what I discovered: I was the exact same girl, 20
years ago.
As I pored over pages of love, anger, angst, excitement, and
mediocrity, I was overwhelmed with the thought that, “This could have been
written today!” I was amazed at the
insight and advice I offered myself; I was shocked at the deliberate tossing
aside of common sense in favor of a good time. And I was intrigued with the
fact that every emotion, frustration, worry, and desire in my heart today was
already there 20 years ago.
On July 11, 1993, a particularly wise Heidi wrote:
How did that Heidi know she would need herself and her own advice 20 years later? I’m kinda falling in love with myself.“It feels good to stand on my own for a while. Today I felt good about being me and about being on my own. I realize that I am strong enough to stand alone and, with the help of God and Jesus, I can and will make it through all things. I might even thrive through them! I am not sure exactly where I am going, but my life is in God’s hands (and I know that’s a good place to be). I really like who I am!”
