Graveyard of Useless Anniversaries

Last Friday, June 7, would have been my 16th wedding anniversary. I was married to Charles Ballard in the Seattle Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on that day in 1997. For the first time since that day, I happened to end up back in Seattle on the very day of my anniversary, in town for my brother’s Masters degree graduation festivities. I couldn’t be happier to be here for Tom’s big day, and it made me glad to have another happy reason in our family to remember June 7th, since my reason is now…complicated.

What do you do with a wedding anniversary once you’re no longer together? It seems silly to celebrate. It seems selfish to be sullen. It also seems strange to ignore it.

I have an odd tendency to remember marginally significant dates in my life. I don’t know why, because that’s one of the reasons I always did poorly in history class: my inability to remember key historical events and their associated timelines. Somehow, though, if I can make it connect to my life, I can remember. Like, the Civil War began on April 12, 1861—a date I know because it’s my birthday! I have managed to remember the exact dates for things such as my first ever date with a boy in 1989, my senior prom in 1991, my first day working at University Savings Bank in 1992, my endowment date in the Seattle Temple in 1993, my reporting date to the Missionary Training Center in 1994, my engagement date to Charles in 1997, my first day working at AFTRA-SAG Federal Credit Union in 1998, the day I purchased my first brand new car in 2005 (that one just came up at dinner last night), etc. They all reside in my graveyard of useless anniversaries.

I doubt that my marriage date to Charles will ever remove itself from that list. But, like the other days, it’s not one that I need to throw a party for. I like to remember some dates because they help me see and understand my progress in life. They also sometimes help me explain how I ended up in the mess I’m in at the moment!!!

Friday I decided the best way to commemorate what would have been my 16th wedding anniversary and what was my first June 7th without the man who made it significant for me in the first place, was to create a playlist. I took a little musical walk down memory lane and remembered key songs that figured into our friendship, dating, engagement, wedding, and life together. They aren’t necessarily my favorites or Charles’ favorites, but they are songs that will always belong to Charles. They might make me cry a little, or smile a little, or scream a little as I remember the events, conversations, and emotions associated with the songs. And that’s…O.K. What I won’t try to do is explain their significance because no one would get it and some things are just too personal for words.

If you want to take a listen, the whole playlist is public on Spotify:

I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash

The Boxer – Simon & Garfunkel

I Love You Always Forever – Donna Lewis

For Baby (For Bobby) – John Denver

Wild Montana Skies – John Denver with Emmylou Harris

I Love Rock ‘N Roll – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

A Bushel and a Peck – Guys & Dolls soundtrack

Have a Little Faith In Me – John Hiatt

Dreams – The Cranberries

Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) – Duran Duran

Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel

Love Song – The Ocean Blue

Love Is A Stranger – The Eurythmics

All The Small Things – Blink-182

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Starlight – MUSE

Read My Mind – The Killers

Resistance – MUSE

Gasoline – The Airborne Toxic Event

Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

But rather than just listen to my list that probably means nothing to you, I invite you to do the same about parts of your life that are confusing. Figure out what music might do for your emotional quandaries. Take a musical journey of your own relationships: family, friends, romantic, professional.

As I move further away from this relationship that occupied the past 17 years of my life, I am struggling to sort out what it means to me. It’s easy to identify all the things that bugged me—every relationship has those. And it’s easy to dwell on them and make myself feel bad. What this playlist does is remind me of all the good parts of that relationship, and makes me feel good about myself for being consistent and working hard and learning and growing together with someone for 15 ½ years. And that’s a good eulogy for another date interred in my graveyard of useless anniversaries.

Family Expectations

Love these guys!

I have a lot of frustration with family relationships. Everybody's probably got some of those; mine are centered in unrealistic expectations. The older I get, the more I realize I need to let those expectations go, and just accept all the good things that come with being a family. One of my troubles has always been understanding where I fit in and what my role in the family is. When I saw the film Dan in Real Life for the first time, I saw portrayed in Dan's character what I perceive to be my role in this family. And for the first time, I was sort of okay with that role—as awkward and uncomfortable as it is, it kind of made sense how I fit.

Last Saturday I was brought down to one of my lowest-of-low points, when my physical pain was so bad it literally made me sob uncontrollably for hours at a time. I was alone, and driving brought me so much pain that I couldn't bear the thought of going anywhere to be with people. It was a busy weekend for most people—lots of family activities for lots of families—and it got me thinking about my relationship with my family.

And these guys!

 As I cried, I thought about those people to whom I'm bound, for better or for worse, and what they had brought into my life. The thought occurred to me that I hadn't really filled them in on my physical status, so how could I expect support if they didn't even know I needed it? I’m so independent (and always have been—or at least since about age 12) from my family that they are used to me handling things on my own. I take that as a compliment, because I prize my independence and subsequent ability to care for myself as one of my most valuable traits. But that sometimes comes at a price, when I unknowingly keep at bay the very people who have the ability to love me unconditionally when I am my most unlovable self. Amidst my reverie on independence, I also realized that I come from a strong, faithful group of Christians who would all be observing the religious worship practice of a monthly fast day that Sunday. So I decided to reach out, through technology, and ask them to fast and pray to God for a miracle of healing in my behalf.

And this gal!

The timing, although late at night, was perfect. Within minutes I ended up on the phone with my brother who was keeping very late hours and happened to see my message. And although they’re two time zones ahead, I also received an immediate ping back from my sister and my nieces, who were up exceptionally late with a different family crisis. I was grateful to be instantly connected so that I could learn of my niece's challenge and add my prayers to her family's in search of comfort, understanding, and forgiveness. As a family we were instantaneously connected across the miles and across generations.

I love all ten of my nieces and nephews (and the eleventh on his way), and I'm especially concerned with my three adult nieces. I guess part of that is because they were born when I was still a kid, myself; I didn't love it at the time, but now I'm thankful that my sister married, had babies, and brought them home for long visits when I was still a teenager. All my teenage and early adult memories are somehow linked to milestones in my nieces' young lives. Now that they're adults, my heart breaks when theirs do and I pray for and worry about their happiness. Perhaps I worry just a little because I know how rough it is to be a young single woman and to be a married woman, and I want only the best parts of both of those worlds for them. I won't say I love them like my own, because I don't know what it's like to love my own children. But I love them like I've never loved kids before, and that's one of the greatest joys of being family.

Then the other day I got a packet of personalized watercolor paintings from a much younger niece. No letter, nothing from the parents, just five adorable pictures from one sweet little girl who became my hiking buddy last Christmas. And I realized, as much as I love the older girls, there are seven more younger boys and girls (and one little guy who will be here any day now) who I will continue to get to know over the years and who will continue to capture my heart in new and quirky ways.

So I'm thinking about resetting my family expectations. Instead of worrying about what hasn't happened, I'll worry about what I can make happen: what connections I can make, what friendships I can make, what commitments I can make—to be there when they need me, to be there when it matters, to be an example for more generations, to be a real family.

Skillz

After a couple weeks of having people who should otherwise be my advocates question whether my team and I know how to do our jobs, I’ve been reflecting on the skills and abilities that make me good at what I do professionally, and the people & experiences which helped make that happen. Two recent scenarios make me realize I am so in love with my elearning development skills.

First: I had to figure out how to develop a product for my Instructional Media Tools class based off of very poor instructions from the professor and even worse “clarifications” from him to my and others’ questions. After researching various applications and vacillating and stressing, I decided to go back to what I know: elearning authoring tools, my favorite of which is Adobe Captivate. It worked out better than the other options I was considering, and I moved through the project relatively swiftly because I already have the necessary knowledge of both the application and the process. Despite the professor’s poor communication of project expectations, I received highest marks from him and “oohs & aahs” over the professional caliber of my work.

Second: I had the opportunity to teach a lesson as part of a church assignment. The learner population (yes, I’m using instructional design speak here) consisted of three young recent converts to my church, ages 9, 11, and 13. As I read through the material assigned to be taught, I realized that it needed some spicing up in order to hold my attention, let alone that of a couple of pre-teens. Again, after some thought and prayer, I reverted to what is familiar: developing an interactive multimedia learning module. The lesson went well, the learners were engaged, and it once again validated that maybe, just maybe, I know what I’m doing.

The answers to these two “problems” seem so simple, but that’s just it: God has given me the skills, talents, and intelligence to figure out solutions. He’s given me the opportunity to obtain an education, and I’ve captured that opportunity to make it worthwhile. He’s given me a professional life where I can use and develop these skills and talents, and I’ve taken advantage of that to learn even more.

I’m not the best elearning instructional designer out there, but I know I’ve got what it takes to generate quality work. And more importantly, I’ve got what it takes to identify appropriate application of those skills.

I’m especially appreciative to:

Krista Brown…for letting me purchase my first Captivate license and giving me the latitude to figure out how to use it.

Pascale Headley…for insisting that we purchase licenses for my whole team and paying for them to get formal training to use this tool to effectively develop multimedia instructional modules.

Chuck Atkins…for learning how to develop elearning modules better than me and giving me a reason to try harder.

That unnamed professor…for being such a poor communicator that I was forced to go with what I know and knock it out of the park with my skillz!